Crystal Skullduggery

Well, dear reader, I finally decided to contribute my review of the new Indiana Jones feature length film movie show. Now, I should say here that I am one of the few people on the interweb who really enjoys Temple of Doom, and if I like Temple of Doom, it'll take a lot for Dr. Jones to disappoint me.

To ruin any suspense that may have built up over the course of that introduction, I really liked the movie. It started off with a bang and, despite a slower moving middle section, kept the momentum going satisfactorily. Obviously, the movie isn't perfect. I still don't really see why the pompadour monkeys were involved and the sword fight on the back of the jeep was rather poorly CGI'd, but the sometimes subtle, sometimes not so subtle references to the previous films and the old Young Indiana Jones Chronicles more than made up for them in my estimation.

It could have used more uses of the phrase "kali-ma...kali-maaaaaaa!" though. I love that part.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: 3.5 out of 5 skulls
This post: 3 out of 5 skulls

Beer. . .or is it?

Over ninety years ago, our country began a national nightmare. That nightmare was prohibition. I don't need to recollect that horrible, sober era. It wasn't all bad. Schell Brewery, who at the time was only about 70 years old, expanded into new areas. Schell brewed and sold its own brand of root beer. Today, we can buy that neutered brew. Pictured is the 5 gallon pony keg of 1919 Root Beer. It was on sale at a local grocery store for $16.99. That seems like a good price for a great soda pop.

1919 Root Beer - look for it in the Dairy Aisle. Next to the cottage cheese (?)

Five out of Five skulls

Has Been

Has Been by William Shatner
Shout! Factory, 2004

Many years ago, the robot devil gave William Shatner an unholy acting talent. In exchange, Mr. Shatner agreed to be a walking punch-line. From his stop-start delivery to his stint as a tough beat cop to Priceline Negotiator, Shatner has become the man nobody takes seriously. Has Been changes part of that.

Produced by Ben Folds, the album consists of Shatner speaking . . . . . .over music. The best tracks aren’t songs so much as short stories set to music with Shatner giving them character. Most notably is “What Have You Done,” where William describes finding his wife dead in a swimming pool. It is a haunting, chilling and sad tale that offers us a small glimpse into the mind of William Shatner. Another trackfeatures Shatner trying to reconnect with an estranged daughter. Shatner’s spoken parts are desperate,rambling phone messages left by a father who had one too many cocktails and is called a few years too late. Another standout is an enthusiastic cover of Pulp’s “Common People.” Shatner’s voice bobs and weaves its way though British class warfare with entertaining results. This record isn’t all one big joke but it isn’t all serious, either.

Has Been will not end up on anyone’s top 100 records of the decade. However, it is worth a listen and many of the songs are good for a chuckle. In one track, a gospel choir helps Shatner spells out the world’s one great truth: you’re gonna die. In another, Shatner and Henry Rollins discuss things they can’t get behind. A third is the spaghetti western “Has Been”where Shatner finally zings his critics. From the silly to the serious, if a friend owns this record, I recommend borrowing it.

Score: 2 of 5 skulls

How much would I pay on a scale from zero dollars to pull Price: $3.79 (25%)

Uwe Boll'd over

A short time ago, a call was sounded throughout the land of the Internet to sign a certain petition. That petition called for director Uwe Boll to never, ever, ever make another movie. I confess, at the time, I didn't know much about Uwe Boll. As far as I knew, I had never seen one of his films. For this reason, I decided to bite the bullet, and watch Bloodrayne.

Oh, dear reader, it was so much worse than I ever could have imagined. What, you may ask, was my first clue that I was in for a painful viewing experience? The phrase "with a special appearance by Billy Zane" appeared two minutes into the credits. Billy Zane. Nothing against Mr. Zane, but, outside of Back to the Future and Zoolander, his presence in a film is never a good sign. Then the movie actually started.

Do Michelle Rodriguez and Kristanna Lokken attempt to use vaguely British accents? Yes. Does anyone else? No. Does it feel like Michael Madsen and Sir Ben Kingsly are having a competition to see who can phone in his performance the most? Yes. Do they both win? You bet. Do the fight scenes come across as overly edited so that it was hard to figure out exactly what was going on and where major characters were standing in relation to each other? Yes. Did it look like any of the actors had any sort of comfort level with the weapons they were using in those poorly edited fight scenes? No (I suppose that the actor's unfamiliarity with their props could have necessitated the choppy editing, but, Jiminy Christmas, that stuff was awful). This movie was just bad. From stem to stern it was a big pile of stinky.

Now the question becomes, "was Bloodrayne so bad it's good?" No no no no no. It takes the presence of some sort of redeeming quality for a movie to become so bad it's good (from here on out, I'm just going to use the abbrieviation SBIG). There needs to be a certain level of quotability, or a sense of fun coming through in the actors' performances, or some halfway decent cinematography, or something. Bloodrayne has none of these.

It's official. Uwe Boll must be stopped. For the good of the world, he must be stopped. Where do I sign?

Bloodrayne: 0 out 5 skulls
this post: 3 and 1/2 out of 5 skulls

My Final Persuasion

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I just got done taking my final in Mark Fokken's Persuasion class here in Fabulous Marshall, MN. The test was comprehensive without being over long (it was only worth 100 points). As is often the case with final exams, and as is especially the case with Fokken tests, the majority of the points were to be won through short answer/essay questions. This test was really, really difficult. It reached back to some of the more obscure points from early in the semester to really challenge we poor, frazzled few in the class to prove our knowledge. It was a helluva thing.

Test Construction: 4 out of 5 skulls
My Performance: 2 1/2 out of 5 skulls
This Post: 3 out of 5 skulls

Welcome, Reader (if you exist)!

Well, dear friends and neighbors, I finally decided to stop quivering in fear of this interweb thing that so many people seem to be fond of nowadays. The result of this new appreciation for technology is this web-log: Showtime Eric Rates It All For You. I can safely say that I give that title a solid three and a half out of five skulls. Not bad for a first outing. In the coming weeks and months, I will be posting my opinions of pretty much anything I come across. Why? Because, while I may have better things to do, I may as well just do this.

This entry's rating: two and a half out of five skulls.